FINANCIAL DUZZY FOOLS...

This is the story of a Suffolk farmer who had lived in his village throughout his life, and of his only visit to the capital.

"Oi've oonly bin t'Lunn'n once in moy loife!" he say. "Doon't want t'goo agin! Went t'see a solicitor - bowt thutty, forty year agoo. Oi got on th' tray'ne t'come hoom, sat 'air, awl t'moyself."

He described how there weren't any inter-city trains; it was practically all stops from Liverpool Street Station to Ipswich - about a two-hour journey. There were no corridors along the train, just a door one side, a door the other and bench seats, the width of the carriage, facing each other - a picture of Southwold above one seat, and a picture of Aldeburgh above the other.

"Tray'ne start'd off, 'n' awl of a sudd'n, a fella in a pin stroipe suit, booler hat, brolly 'n' a brief case, starts racen th' tray'ne. Th' door floy oopen 'n' 'iss 'ear fella falls in, slams th' door 'n' sits oppers't."

The farmer relived the following conversation:

"Eevn'n!"

"Oh! Good evening. Where are you going?"

"Ipsidge."

"So am I; it takes about two hours, you know."

"Is 'at a fact."

"Why don't we play a game of I-Spy - help pass the time?"

"No! Oi just wamt t'goo t'sleep 'n' wake up in Ipsidge."

"Why don't we play Twenty Questions - help pass the time?"

"No! 'N' wee'd need more 'an twenty questions twixt heaya 'n' Ipsidge!"

"We must do something - let's have a general knowledge quiz."

At which point the farmer told him what he could do with his general knowledge quiz.

"Let's make it interesting - I ask you a question, if you get it right, I give you ten pounds, but if you get it wrong, you give me ten pounds, and vice versa."

"How menny toimes dew Oi need t' tell yew?"

"Okay, okay, okay, if you get it right, I give you a hundred pounds, and if you get it wrong, you give me ten pounds. Any questions you ask me, I get it wrong, I give you one hundred pounds, I get it right, I get ten pounds."

"Mmmm ... Awl roight ... yew goo fust."

"What were the closing prices of Rowntrees on the stock market this afternoon?"

Well, the farmer didn't know the answer and he handed over ten pounds.

"Your go, your go."

"Don't hurry me - Oi'm Suffolk ... What goos up hill with forwer legs, 'n' comes dow'n hill with three?"

"Pardon?"

"What goos up hill with forwer legs, 'n' comes dow'n with three?"

The city man didn't know the answer and he handed over a hundred pounds to the farmer.

"Well ... what does go up hill with four legs and down with three?"

The farmer waited a while, thought, and gave the city man ten pounds back. He also reminded the city man that it was the farmer's go again...

(from Charlie Haydock's A rum owd dew!)